we on award tour 2005 video music

We on Award Tour - 2005 Video Music Awards Recap

The MTV Video Music Awards have come and gone this year. A lot of cool

thing that happened this year, but much like last year, there was not

a defining water cooler moment again granted I was at the water cooler

today gushing over the return of Beavis and Butthead. Diddy was your

host and he didn't suck as bad as the Wayans Brothers yet he came no

where close to Chris Rock, Dennis Miller or even Arsinio Hall. And why

has no one pointed out the Diddy has adopted the name of a cheesy rap

song from the early 90's yet. Am I the only one who remembers that

song? "Do the diddy if you won't do me cause damn I can see that you

want me." But anyways, here are some of my highlights from the show:

Pre-Show

- So there was a car show of the pimpest rides on the pre-show with

Green Day's car from the Holiday video stealing the show. But can we

retire the word "pimp" as a positive adjective. Let's not forget a

true pimp is someone who forces women to sell their bodies for money.

This is a word that should ever be glorified.

- Also part of the car show was Ludacris who drove in a custom Louis

Vuittan car. Did I miss something; I thought LV was for chicks. Any

guy I see with LV gets mocked thoroughly.

- The Game also rolled up in his car. Although the commentator called

him just Game. So what is it, "The Game" or just "Game?" Did he drop

the "The" like Diddy dropped the "P?" I'm just a corny old white dude;

I need help figuring these things out.

- MTV apparently has a new fashion consultant, Coltrane. Just what MTV

needs, their very on Joan Rivers critiquing clothes.

- During the pre-show, they were hawking a new Madonna concert DVD. Is

there anyone who would actually spend money to see a 40 year old

lip-sync?

- Okay, it seems that Houston is the new hot rap city, but after

hearing the medley of Houston rappers perform, I think it may be time

to move to the next city. Topeka anyone?

- Yes, those were Ice-T's wife's nipples you saw. Brings back fond

memories of Rose McGowan.

- John Norris was heard asking everyone who is going to win the big

prize but would always interject, "A lot of people say Kanye will take

home the big one." John, actually you were the only one who was saying

it.

The Main Show

- Odd choice with a Green Day performing a relatively low key

Boulevard of Broken Dreams. Not quite as good as my suggestion.

- Yes that was a teleprompter you saw in Diddy opening "performance."

He comes out to Frankie Goes to Hollywood's Relax, Diddy is the only

one who loves the 80's more than VH1. And for those keeping track,

that's the second gay anthem that Diddy has associated himself with,

Diana Ross' I'm Coming Out.

- The opening itself was cool, but reminded me too much as a mini

version of the Olympics ceremony. The water theme was also cool,

especially how they transitioned the video nominees.

- Winning the Carrie Fisher Award for hot chick that has fallen the

quickest goes to Lindsay Lohan. She just gets uglier and uglier.

Someone buy her a Big Mac please.

- Interesting to mix up the Best Male and Female Videos together.

Kanye West and Kelly Clarkson win, okay mash-up artist, it's time to

give that a try. Behind These Gold Digging Eyes anyone?

- Big Daddy Butthead and fire loving Beavis are back. Now where

exactly can I vote for them to get back on MTV?

- I have a theory that Ciara is the black Britney Spears. Marginally

attractive but shows a lot of skin - check. Limited vocal range -

check. Attaches herself to an equally talent less boyfriend - check.

Focuses more time on her dancing than singing - check. Make music that

makes my ears bleed - check.

- Now I'm a sucker for steel drum, but I was still disappointed there

was no Mike Myers during Ludacris' performance, instead we get some

dude named Bobby Valentino.

The orginal king of name changes can still move - Did Diddy really

call Orlando Bloom the prettiest person in the world?

- It was nice to see Grandmaster Flash. Too bad it was ruined with a

dance off between Diddy and Omarion. Which then led to the biggest

surprise of the night, an appearance by Hammer? Hey, anything can

happen. And yes, I still know every word to U Can't Touch This. And

thinking about it, I know Hammer wasn't a one hit wonder, but can

anyone name another one of his songs?

- Worst outfit award goes to Jessica Simpson weird backless, yet still

wearing a bra, French Maid ensemble. She also takes home worst hair

award.

- Am I mistaken, or did Alicia Keys wear the same unfavorable, form

fitting, dress as last year?

I would have to hide behind something too if I shared the stage with

Shakira - What was with the dude with Shakira and his guitar? He only

strummed it about two times; it was like members of N'Sync performing

with microphone. I wonder if the dude was carrying it because he

needed to hides something.

- Umm, should I know what clowning or crumping is? My spell check

doesn't even know what the crumping is.

- Missy Elliot wins Best Dance Video. Shouldn't this award go to a

song you could actually dance to?

- Holy Eric Roberts sighting! Nice plug for his step-son's, Keaton

Simons, album and website. Now how exactly do I go about getting my

refund that he offered?

- Now typically I rip anyone who lip-syncs, but I'll let R. Kelly slid

on account they he gave the most entertaining performance o the night.

And just when I thought nothing could top Chapters 1-5 videos for

Trapped in the Closet, Kelly goes and tops himself with a one man show

debuting Chapter 6. I can't wait for Chapters 7-12. Kelly was also

seen on the red, oops, white carpet wearing an "I'm Rick James' Bitch"

shirt. I'm sorry to hear that and I sure hope your crack-pipe burns

have healed by now R.

- Did we really need to see a naked Sean Combs? Although Kunta Combs

was funny. It was nice to see Diddy take a pot shot at half the

country when he brought up his Vote or Die campaign. Which reminds me,

when is Diddy going to get around to killing Paris Hilton, she didn't

even register to vote.

- Diddy announces that Hilary Duff and Joel Madden are the Jay-Z and

Beyonc� of rock. Well except Jay-Z wait for Beyonc� to be well past 18

before they started dating. Now Joel may be the Roman Polanski of

pseudo-punk, that might be a better comparison. I wonder what the age

of consent is in Florida.

- The Killers are remote from some hotel. Very Miami Vice setting,

fitting for the band's love for the 80's is only trumped by Diddy.

- Holy Lil' Kim sighting! Shouldn't she be in jail by now, wasn't she

convicted a couple months ago. Oh, I forgot, she's famous

(relatively), she can show up to jail whenever she want. It's odd that

all the famous guys get off yet the famous females get jail time.

- We are then treated to by an appearance by Big Daddy Poseidon and

the Roman God of feces and manure. Seriously, where can I vote to get

Beavis and Butthead back on the air?

- Nice tribute to Biggie although it was surprising that they went

with lesser known Juicy and Warning instead of smashes like Big Poppa

or Hypnotize. And they even censored the line "blow up like the World

Trade," I'm not sure that was needed. He wasn't even alive for reason

they bleeped it for. And as the ten year anniversaries of their deaths

creep closer, I'm starting to begin to think that maybe Biggie and

Tupac are really dead, not hanging out in Hawaii with Elvis as I

previously thought.

- The classiest and least classy people, Common and Johnny Knoxville

present together. I shouldn't have to specify which is which.

- Morbidly Obese Joe presents a medley of Reggaeton artists. That was

extremely horrible. This could be to my generation what rap was to my

parents and rock and roll was to their parents. I really hate the

whole getting old thing.

- Missy Elliot defies conventional wisdom again by winning Best Hip

Hop. But then again, this category hasn't had any credibility since

Jennifer Lopez won it.

- Worst Bling of the night goes to Pharrell. This is saying a lot with

all the mouth bling the Houston rappers were sporting.

- I wonder why Coldplay is now putting MTF on its piano. I'm not sure

many people realized that it stands for maketradefair.com. It was nice

to see Chris Martin run up to the cheap seats and get surrounded by a

bunch of drunken people.

- Should I know who B5 is? And all they do is present other presenter.

What that really needed?

- Kelly Clarkson wins best pop and walks through the fountain of water

to accept the award. I love the gratuitous Gwen Stefani shots after

she losses. It almost like MTV was jabbing at her for threatening to

not show up is they didn't let her perform. They didn't even show any

of the Moonmen she won on the big show.

- Not since Andrew Dice Clay has MTV given a comedian air time at the

VMA's for some stand up, and this year they give time to... Dane Cook?

Should I know who he is? Actually the guy was pretty funny, especially

the part about putting a detonator in your kid. Maybe they should get

this dude to host next year.

- The Killers win Best New Artist and for the first time ever, and

drummer actually gives the acceptance speech.

How did Eva Longoria not win best dressed? Was their a minimun

clothing requirement? - Stefani win best Diddy's best dressed

challenge even though she's wearing some leopard spot dress out of the

Soprano's wardrobe. Obviously the female population voted for this as

is it was judged by dudes Eva Longoria would have won by a landslide.

- Guided Vocal Alert! As I predicted, Mariah Carey's performance made

for a good bathroom break and her little midget showed to move around

like an idiot. And if The Lox ever want to get some street cred, maybe

they should stop showing up on J-Lo and Mariah songs.

- I don't know who Paulia Rubio is, but I'm glad she wore that dress.

And I like how she kept trying to say the Gorillaz couldn't be their

as the cartoon's acceptance speech ran behind her.

- Remember when 50 Cent had credibility? His guided vocal performance

was quite boring, and then brings out Mobb Deep, who just became hype

men. Then come out the winner of the Macy Gray Award for lamest self

promotion, Tony Yayo to perform the worst song of the medley. But

thing were almost salvaged as 50 went on a tirade against Morbidly

Obese Joe with plenty of obscenities making it on air. For those of

those not paying attention 50 said, "Fat Joe is a..." um, as Naughty

by Nature put it, "It's another why to call a cat or kitten, there's

five letters missing here."

- More reasons why My Chemical Romance suck, they are Diddy favorite

band. I recently read in Rolling Stone that the group members are

pushing thirty. That's kind of creepy considering that their fan base

is moody 14 year olds. Granted Eminem is on the wrong side of thirty

and his fan base are 16 year old brats. And on the subject of MCR, is

it wrong that I think the dead chick in their video is hot?

- Can anyone explain why Lil Bow Wow and Paris Hilton are still

around? This did lead to the funniest awkward moment and Lil and Billy

Joe could figure out if they should shake hands, hug, or give a chest

bump.

- Did Michelle from Destiny's Child really just quote Fall Out Boy?

- Green Day wins Video of the Year and gets much love from Hammer on

their way to accept the award. That should be award enough.

Kelly Clarkson before the rain came - As for a wet Kelly Clarkson and

you shall receive a wet Kelly Clarkson. I wonder if anyone let the

audience know they were going to be drench because I saw a few unhappy

faces in the crowd. And some one should have told Kelly that when she

performs in the rain, she may not want to go barefoot, but then had

they done so, we wouldn't have seen her slip in a puddle.

And then that was it. The surprise performances were Hammer and My

Chemical Romance. That can't be a good sign for an awards show. Also,

no one got shot, unless you count Suge Knight who was shot at a pre

show. But he was not critically injured and neither Lohan nor Hilton

got caught in the cross-fire. For those who missed the show, it's MTV,

they will repeat it constantly for a month. And in response to getting

panned over AOL's coverage over Live8, for those with Broadband, you

can see the whole show, plus extras, on MTV's Overdrive internet

channel.

My final tally:

3 of 21 (.143) thought should have won.

8 of 21 (.381) I predicted correctly.

Labels: Award Show, Eva Longoria, Kanye West, Kelly Clarkson, MTV,